Too much nacho cheese? Probably…

Posted by Hollyann

I’ve been heard to say (many times) that I am just not a ‘movie person’.  As it turns out, I do like movies, I simply cannot stand to see them at the theater.  So here is an open rant listing all the things I hate about going to the movies and how they can be fixed.

Let’s start from the beginning.  There is this stunningly convenient thing called the internet that allows you to buy tickets for all kinds of events, including baseball games, concerts, plane rides, and yes, even movies before you even get to the event venue.  Sometimes days beforehand.  There’s also this nifty thing that fire departments all over the country have instituted called ‘capacity’, which is a number equal to how many seats are in any given venue.  When buying tickets for baseball games, concerts, and plane rides over the internet, it becomes impossible to buy a ticket when the number of tickets sold equals the capacity of the venue.  This is however NOT the case when buying tickets to the movies, as I have personally experienced.  I have purchased movie tickets online exactly twice.  Both times I showed up to the theater a good bit ahead of the time the website told me to get there to ensure I got ‘good’ seats.  Both times I carefully read the gigantic bold print stating that my purchase GUARANTEED me a SEAT at the showtime I had selected in the theater I selected, for the movie I selected.  Both times, there were no seats for me.  Both times I was told I could go to a later showing.  In one case the next showing I could get seats for was only 15 minutes later, in the other case it was more than 2 hours later, exceeding by far the amount of time my babysitter (PREPAID babysitter) was willing to spend with my children, and rendering my night a gigantic waste of both time and money.  How to fix this?  I don’t know for sure, but I bet someone at Cinemark could call someone at Ticketmaster and say ‘Hey, how is it you guys write an online program that actually keeps track of how many seats are available at your venues, in real time?’ and the nice Ticketmaster people would tell them.

Next, I have to say that my $200,000 house and my $20,000 car both have systems allowing me to adjust the temperature for my comfort.  Again, I am not sure on the specifics, but I do know that I don’t have to leave my thermostat set on 54 degrees just in case 100 of my closest friends decide to stop by.

Next, enough already with the no outside food or drink.  Either let me bring it in, or charge less than $6 for your small popcorn.  And if you are going to go with the lower the prices route, stop selling things that are messy and/or crunchy.  If I have to shut off my cell phone altogether because even the vibration ‘noise’ may bother the people next to me, then I don’t want to step in the nacho cheese that the person next to me spilled all over the floor while they are crunching down on the chips they have left.  (yes, i did once have an usher ask me in the middle of a movie to shut off my cell phone, set on vibrate, because the sound it was making was bothering the people in the row ahead of me.)

Next, whatever happened to intermission?  Movies are only getting longer, and I would adore having 10 or 15 minutes in the middle to take care of things like bathroom runs, having a smoke, and telling someone that there is nacho cheese all over the floor.  Plus, that might stop the people who seem to be constantly either standing up in front of me, or pushing past me to get out of my aisle.

Next, commercials.  I pay good money to see movies at the theater because there are no commercials. So I don’t want any, not even just at the beginning.  Trailers don’t count.  I am talking about commercials – last time I was at the movies they played an At&t wireless commercial, a Best Buy commercial, a TV commercial, and a restaurant commercial.  Before the trailers.  And that isn’t counting the ‘slide show’ before the commercials before the trailers, of all the nice local realtors and dentists.  If you aren’t making money off the $9 admission fee and the $6 popcorn, something is wrong, cut some spending instead of taking on advertisers.

Next, stop rushing me out.  It’s a 2 hour movie, if I want to sit for 3 minutes til the cast list runs on an animated movie so I can see the voice I didn’t figure out, leave me the fuck alone to do it.  I paid $9 to get in, and my shoes have nacho cheese all over them, it’s the least you can do.

Next, you have cupholders, why not throw a cargo net thing over the backs of the seats so I have somewhere to put my purse where nacho cheese won’t get all over it?

Finally, popup footrests, recliner style.  Nuff said.

I keep reading outraged articles about how the movie industry is surprised that Sex In The City is a hit, because apparently the movie industry doesn’t think women go to the movies.  Maybe they are right, maybe we don’t.  And maybe it has nothing to do with what kind of movies are playing (I’ll go see Die Hard or Batman any day) and more to do with the fact that we are just smarter than men, and refuse to pay to go somewhere where we end up freezing with nacho cheese covered shoes.

Dave and Willie are ruining my life…

Posted by Hollyann

Ok, so Ben and Jerry might have a hand in it too.  And maybe the 4 of them aren’t ruining my life, but they are certainly making sure I go through it with some extra poundage and a bit of a glazed sugar high look to my eyes.  I have to say, the Willie Nelson Country Peach Cobbler is some of the very bestest ice cream I have ever tasted in my whole life.  Giant chunks of peaches and nuggets of cinnamonny goodness.  Dave didn’t do too badly either.  I am slightly disappointed that I paid good money for something that said ‘Dave Matthews’ and ‘magic brownie’ on it and the only high I got was from the sugar, but I guess nothing’s perfect.  Dave’s flavor, besides being my favorite color, is all raspberry flavored with giant chunks of fudgy brownie pieces.  It’s no Peach Cobbler, but good if you like that sort of thing.  I’m off to enjoy some more, while I have it.  At $4 a pint, even with my coupon, the ice cream was about 15% of my entire shopping expense yesterday.  So I doubt I’ll be getting any more soon. Â